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The Power of Educational Emails

April 30, 2008

I just want to send a heartfelt thanks to all of you for your many educational e-mails over the past several months. I used to be worry free and easy going about a lot of things in life. Thanks to you and the Internet I know better now.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot soon)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Transfats I have consumed over the years.

I must send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about mice poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. I resolve to emails a lot now.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every soda can or bottle I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I now understand the person who said 1,000 people dead is a statistic, but one person dying is a tragedy.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating and forwarding in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I reek like a smelly buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned the truth that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. Shame on you!

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…and poison me at the same time. My microwave will be auctioned off at the next garage sale, because besides heating water, I only used it for frying bacon, and let’s not go there……….

I no longer check any coin returns on pay phones or soda and snack machines, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

My wife no longer goes to shopping malls because someone will drug her with a perfume sample and rob  her or worse.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French (are They?) and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. Good old Mr. Dayton would turn in his grave if he knew.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

So as my departing thank you for all the wisdom and advise you have so selflessly shared with me over the year, here is my urging to you: “send this article as an e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, or else a large dove with diarrhea will shit on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, and grow a hairy hump that will pale “Yeti” the incredibly hairy Snowman. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin. The world is getting small.

Have a wonderful day….

Written by stringdude · Filed Under Entertainment 

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